Monday, October 24, 2005

100 Things Wrong With Me (Part 5)

In case you have a life, and missed the first 4 parts to this series, a short recap:

Half the folks in Blogland have a 100 Things list, in which they detail 100 miscellaneous facts about themselves, usually along the lines of "I collect ceramic elephants," and "I think Brad Pitt is dreamy." When I tried to create my own 100 Things list, all I could think of was, "I'm hungry for a cookie." However, thinking of 100 Things Wrong With Me was way easier; maybe the easiest thing I've ever done. I'm posting it in installments, because any list of anything gets insufferably boring after the first few items. Here's #41-50.

41. It irks me to no end when companies deliberately spell their company or product name wrong in some misguided attempt to be cute or catchy. Examples: Kountry Kitchen, Fantastik, Kwik Copy, Krispy Kreme. Oh, and those insipid Chick Fil-A ads where the spelling-challenged cows constantly obsess about "chikin." I want to shoot those retarded cows and stuff their carcasses, whole, down the throat of whoever came up with that dumb marketing campaign.

42. I basically refuse to touch raw meat. This makes cooking a challenge. Luckily I've found a solution--one which involves not cooking.

43. When people bring their kids to a public place and let them cry and scream, it makes me want to stab a pencil in my ear. I guess turning the violence upon myself is my way of protecting the children from my wrath. I know I should be more patient, because, news flash: Kids are noisy. But still, someone get me a pencil.

44. I have a terrible, terrible memory. Mostly that means I forget things entirely--but what I do remember, I can't ascribe the proper time period to. As in, I may remember sleeping with President Clinton, but can't recall if that happened post-Monica Lewinsky, or back when he was the Governor of Arkansas. For a lot of years, I kept diaries, but not the "Dear Diary, today I'm sad" kind, in which a person hashes out all his or her feelings. The purpose of these diaries was just to write down the interesting things that happened so that I wouldn't forget them in six months. Even now, when I read back through them, my most frequent reaction is "What? I did that?!"

45. I'm bad at remembering names and faces, but I attribute that more to my self-absorbed nature rather than to my terrible memory. I'm simply too consumed with myself to notice others. That's not to say I'm egotistical--on the contrary, what I'm usually consumed with is criticizing myself or critiquing whatever conversation I just had with someone so that I can berate myself for my perceived faux-pas. The phrase "I'm an idiot" gets thrown around a lot in my head.

46. Everywhere I go, I drive like I'm trying to outrun the cops. (Sometimes I am, but only when I have illegal guns or black market baby seals in the car.)

47. I have the world's tiniest bladder. There's some kind of crazy bladder math at work, so that if I drink 4 ounces of liquid, it turns into 103.4 ounces of pee, which must exit my body in no fewer than 67 separate bathroom trips. And if I happen to be nervous (which, luckily, is fairly rare), multiply that number by 12.

48. Any present that I gift-wrap ends up looking like I wrapped it 3 years ago and have been storing it in a wet laundry hamper ever since. I think gift bags are the single greatest invention since Spam.

49. I hate being cold. I moved out of Missouri specifically to avoid the bone-chilling winters, and I thought Texas would be an ideal climate. Turns out that was foolish thinking. It's so bloody hot in Texas that every building in the state blasts air-conditioning to a degree that actually rivals those cold Missouri winters I was trying to escape. Outdoors, it's like you took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ended up in Hell. Indoors, it's like you're a frozen carcass in an oversized meat locker. So when I go somewhere, I dress for the hot outdoors, but I bring along a sweater, and sometimes socks, for when I get inside the building. I arrive at my destination drenched in sweat, but the sweat instantly crystallizes on my body the moment I enter the sub-zero building.

50. Public restrooms gross me out. I'm not exactly a germ freak, but public bathrooms just seem to me like breeding grounds for disease and filth. I don't want to touch any fixture in there, and I don't--I can make it in and out without touching one single surface with my hands. I flush the toilet with my left boob, turn on the water at the sink with my liver, dispense a paper towel with my spleen, and open the door to leave with my small intestine.

39 comments:

Maja said...

I have that tiny bladder syndrome as well. It totally sucks ass!

Curator said...

Roger that re:43, screaming kids should be reserved for their households; not my fucking ears.

Cheers.

pylorns said...

You know you could just wear industrial size rubber gloves to touch raw meat...

bornfool said...

I especially identify with number 45. Me, too on the bad with names and faces as well as the critical voices. They are telling me right now that I'm an idiot for writing this comment.

gina said...

ewww i dont touch raw meat ever!! and public bathrooms? ditto !!
thanks for the early morning laugh.

the Caitlinator said...

Wow, you measure your pee. I should try that sometime. I bet there would be interesting results.

a fish on a bycicle said...

all that weeing and all those bathroom contortions, you must be a world beater at "Twister"?

Heather B. said...

Why not just flush the toilet with your foot?
just a suggestion.

miss kendra said...

maybe you could just direct your stream of pee at the flusher and kill two birds (germs) with one stone.

everyone else pees all over the toilet anyway, why shouldn't you?

CommonWombat said...

I'm right there with you on the "cute names" peeve. What I hate are the places that use utterly unnecessary K's (like, as you mentioned, Kountry Kitchen) but what I REALLY hate... And I mean hate as in "punching myself repeatedly in the head and making noises like a harpooned narwhal" is when NEITHER word originally had a K. Places like the Kraft Klub, or the previously mentioned Krispy Kreme just drive me up the fucking wall.

Also with you on the horrible memory, but the fear of meat and germs is where we part ways. I like to rub raw meat all over the stall walls and then cook and eat it.

Oop. I think I may have just jiggled it.

peefer said...

The bladder thing is clearly a metric-imperial conversion problem. You're drinking in ounces, but peeing in litres. Tell your bladder to work with the right units. Duh.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I think you should move to Oregon. Not as hot, and we grow doobie that is a lot better than yours.

Rico said...

I think getting drunk while you recited your "100 Things Wrong With Me" would be fun. These are halarious.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

You know what is worse than someone else's screaming kid? Your screaming kid - just wait!!!

AnonymousCoworker said...

Bathrooms gross me out so much. My brother says that I'm a freakish germaphobe, but I always tell him to think of the dirtiest person he knows using the toilet before he did and not washing their hands.

Kiki said...

I have the worst memory too. I love your lists.

Hey did you ever figure out what costumes you were going to dress up as?

CommonWombat said...

Yeah, I second that request. I want to know what you guys are dressing up as.

On Halloween, I mean. What you dress up as in your *ahem* spare time is really none of our business.

But you could tell us that too.

Dirk the Feeble said...

I don't think "best invention since Spam" is an accolade for any product in existence.

cinefille said...

If you want to avoid heat/cold DO NOT move to NJ. I'd take hot and too much air conditioning over three months of endless humidity and that expectation that being a New Jerseyean means that you can suck it up.

Amanda said...

um, yeah...this sounds like a list i have been composing as well...mine is titled something like, "10 weird things i do basically everyday." very funny.

Tish said...

And I thought I was the only one who didn't remember certain 'things'. AND I have a bladder story for you sometime.

SafeTinspector said...

47 fascinates me. Perhaps you are crossing over to a spiritual realm where spirits of dead relatives are causing their urine to manifest directly in your bladder so that you can carry on peeing in their name...

La Boom said...

I love you, my little neurotic friend!

Calzone said...

I know what you mean by the company names. Like the other day when I bought "Krabs-B-Gone".

trisha said...

Wayyy too many words for me to read.

I did want you to know I heart you, just not enough to read you right now:)

Mabel said...

I totally love the 100 things wrong, I may just have to steal it! Only my 100 things turned out pretty depressing... hmmm...

Great site!

undercover celebrity said...

Hilarious.
I cannot agree more with your indoor vs. outdoor temperature dilema. My office is one of the prepretrators. I freeze all summer long. I wear sweaters to work all summer long. I have my space heater running all summer long.

Then, finally, fall comes and I can start wearing normal clothes to work. Why? Because finally the building reaches 70-degrees.

...ok, but even at 70-degrees, I still have my space heater on. I'm cold... what can I say?

caprice said...

i think its nice that you want to stab a pencil in your own ear. i actually want to stab a pencil in the parents eye. clearly you are a better person.

Anonymous said...

I can't stand it either when parents bring their unruly kids to a public place and act like they don't hear them screaming!
Lulabellah

AJ Gentile said...

When you backtrack to Albuquerque, if you happen to see a rascally rabbit who also appears lost, can you please tell him he should make a right-turn, not a left.

Conti said...

haha you pee a lot

Calzone said...

I love that photo. It's like you are being frottaged from behind in a grocery store, but are too embarrassed to say.

DeeJay said...

Hey!!! My family makes fun of me because I too take a sweater or light jacket whenever we go somewhere. Oklahoma public places do the exact same thing. Air is way too cold inside and way too hot outside. Bunchalosers.

tigger said...

What irks me is when companies spell their products wrong or use apostrophes.

Example: 99 cent margarita's on Saturday! WTF??
Fresh, hot colaches!

I boycott these places because they're just STUPID.

Neptunebaby said...

You are fucking hilarious. We share a lot of the same views and vices. I wish I had the time to put it down "on paper" as eloquently as you do.

MamaFox said...

Ha! You think you hate public restrooms now - wait until that gorgeous kid of yours needs to use a bathroom while you are out in public somewhere. It's bad enough YOU have to endure it - it's unbearable when your precious children do. Almost as bad as the dreaded Florida kidnapper. (aren't they ALWAY from Florida???)

T. Shawn said...

We share many common defects. I simply can't touch raw meat with my hands, nor do I touch anything in a public restroom. I fear for my children, I hope I don't pass too much of my freakish nature on to them.

Thanks for the laughs!

FTS said...

#49:
I hate going outdoors in the summer. All nine months of it. :p

Give me the cold indoors any day.

Little Light said...

I never understood the Kountry Kitchen thing (or the Kayci, Kleo and Krhysti) either because it reminds me of the Klan.