Case in point. Not long ago I wrote about how my devil child is fascinated by the drain in the bathtub, and refuses to believe that it's not a portal to another world filled with toys, kitties, TV remotes, bite-size chunks of cheese and other things he loves more than he loves his mommy, which is why he makes it his mission to attempt to slither out of his baby tub and inspect it at every opportunity. When I wrote that post, I included a photo of Jake in said baby tub, but did not have a photo of him actually in the act of slithering. Now I have it: Photographic proof that at least a portion of what I write here is not total B.S:
Notice the crafty look in his scheming eyes as he makes his move. The kid's a loose cannon. So now you see my dilemma. Allowing a soapy infant to scrabble out of his tub at will is a bad idea for several reasons:
1) He could bonk his noggin on the porcelain of the tub, resulting in a cranial fracture, or possibly a huge red bump like the ones I've seen in Bugs Bunny cartoons.
2) Not having fully mastered the art of slithering, he could slip and wind up face down in the water of his baby tub, causing him to drown, or worse, cutting his bath short before I get a chance to finish chipping the grime off of him.
3) He could discover that the drain really is a portal to another, better world filled with toys, kitties, TV remotes and bite-sized chunks of cheese, but that, unfortunately, he is too fat to fit through the portal. He'd get stuck halfway in the drain, with his soapy derriere sticking up and his chubby legs waving frantically. That would render my tub pretty much useless, since that would stop up the drain. At the very least, it'd cost me a house call from a plumber. And half an infant.
So I can't just have the kid running amok in the tub. I need another, better method of de-stinkifying the little bugger. I've been brainstorming a few ideas, which I will share with you now:
1) I could put in him in the backyard and spray him with a garden hose. The upside: No mess to clean up afterward. The downside: His ear-splitting screams might arouse the suspicion of my neighbors, netting me yet another visit from Child Protective Services.
2) I could spray him down with Formula 409 and wipe him with a kitchen sponge. The upside: Formula 409 cleans even the toughest stains. The downside: Central nervous system damage, possibly resulting in hair loss and reduced motor skills.
3) I could put him in a little red wagon and send him through the drive-thru car wash at the corner Exxon station. The upside: Cleaned and dried in under 3 minutes. The downside: I'd probably be the one who has to pull the red wagon through, which would mean we'd both be getting a bath. And since I vowed never to wash my hoo-ha again after sleeping with Steven Tyler backstage at an Aerosmith concert in 1997, I can't allow that to happen.
So those are my options, and none of them are total winners. If you have any better ideas, please share them. In the meantime, I will just stop bathing him altogether. The upside: One less chore for me to do! The downside: He'll eventually smell like a dumpster full of severed gopher feet. So any advice you have will be appreciated.